If I were less of a transient, there are a lot of things I would never understand about life. If I had chosen a more normal lifestyle, I wouldn't be so dependent on people. Sometimes I want to go back to Asia just so I can have a more normal life. I can be a full time student or get a full time job, have a schedule, ride my bike or take the bus, have my own cell phone and not inconvenience others. It's easy to get around on public transportation and it's really inexpensive to buy a SIM card to put in your phone and use for however long you're there. I have been using my Mom's cell phone here. She told me today that she bought a pay-as-you-go phone, which is really what I should have done so she could keep her phone. She's also paying for short term insurance for me. My Dad bought my Gramaw's car for me to use while I'm here. I live at my Grandmother's house when I'm not visiting somewhere else.
Of course, I could have all of those things almost as easily (without imposition to others) if I chose to stay here, too. I could get a normal job with normal insurance, not have to worry about a 2 year phone contract, and find my own place to live. And, although rare, there are times when I have considered that in the last 10 months.
I'm really blessed to have a family that can take care of me in those ways and I'm really thankful for them. They also support me, even though they'd rather me stay here and be more normal.
I talked to a friend tonight who is in much of the same situation as I am. She came back to the States a few months after me and wants to go back to the same place I do. We're both struggling with plugging in to our communities here, using other people's cars and issues with cell phones. I got to see her in LA when I went through, which was a huge blessing. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who understands where you are and where you want to be. We prayed together at the end of the conversation and it was so good. We prayed for provision for things we need, to be able to be committed to being here while we're here - to have the right balance of keeping our hearts set on going back but also really being here too.
I am waiting on financial support to go back, but I believe that God is using this waiting period to prepare me as well as prepare the people who are sending me, and making us one team. I actually believe he could pour the money down right now if the time were right. Purification, pruning, teaching, being dependent on him are all things I have to learn and can learn best in this threshold place - where I've left one room and am on the verge of being in another place, but not yet.
I watched this on CNN last night and I cried, unexpectedly, a few times. Because of scenes of reconciliation and hope. Because I'm drawn to this country in a way that I don't think I could have manufactured on my own.
I consider it a luxury to be understood, but I think it's a luxury that we're all entitled to - perhaps for some of us to the extent that we are willing to understand.